Shit Happens

Taoism    Shit happens, and there is both Yin shit and Yang shit in infinitely many permutations.  Shit is often complex, so don't take shit too personally.  Squat and massage your abdomen when taking one, but try not to exercise when you're full of it.
Confucianism    Confucius say, "Shit happens, because you're rood."  So when you take one, mind your manners.  When your elders or someone in a higher social station takes one, just pretend you don't smell anything.
Buddhism    If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Coprophiliacs   Fixated fascination with shit.
Zen Buddhism    What is the sound of no shit happening?
Hinduism    This shit happened before, and based on how it happened then, this explains how it's happening now and further, how it will continue to happen.  Karmic shit.
Mormonism    This shit is going to happen again.  Me and my forever wife are going to another planet to make sure of that when our time in this shit is over.
Islam    If shit happens, it is the Will of Allah. If you don't agree, this shit will happen to you.
Satanism   Only the most willful, intelligent, passionate, and obstinately proud people deserve to thrive in this shit, but don't be a shit disturber.  Magic is a great way to get shit done when normal avenues are unavailable.  People deserve the shit they let happen to them.
Stoicism    This shit is its own reward.  Don't worry about the shit, and just accept its inevitability.
George Carlin   Fuck this shit!  You don't own shit!  They own you and treat you like shit!  That's some funny shit...  Until I fully realized this shit.  We should take all the shit and put in one big square place, like Colorado.  Now I'm gone and you're stuck with this shit.
Protestantism    Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Sikhism  There is only one source of shit.  We carry a bladed weapon for self-defense in case some of this shit happens to us.
Calvinism    Let this shit happen to someone else.  In which case, as when shit doesn't happen to you, then that shit was predestined.
The Terminator  This shit will be back.
Pentecostalism    In Jesus' name, heal this shit!  Holy shit, it's a miracle!  Miracle shit.
Catholicism    Shit happens because you deserve it.  Now pay up and shut your mouth or you'll get the inquisition and shit.  If we don't like how your shit sounds, we'll impose our own shit on you. What sort of shit have you been up to lately?
Emperor Palpatine  "Yesssss, let the shit flow through you".
Yahweh  "Let there be shit".  Then there was shit, and he saw that it was good.  Then some of this shit he formed into human beings, and he saw that it was very good.  Then they disobeyed some arbitrary rule of his because he infused them with free will but demanded it be used freely only in one way, and for this shit they were cast out of Eden into a world of shit.
Judaism    Why does this shit always happen to us?  Yahweh promised it would happen to everyone else and we'd get no shit if we did all the shit he told us to do.
Zoroastrianism    Shit happens half the time.  But that's because half of the cosmic pantheon invented shit and you should try and emulate the unshitty half of the pantheon in your thought, word, and deed, and that's the only way you're going to get rid of shit, or get yourself into the world of no shit.
Memeworld   "I've seen some shit!"causing the effect called "the thousand yard stare".  Usually a consequences of having stepped in or come near to some really foul crap, leading to deeply lasting psychological impacts.
Marxism    This shit is going to hit the fan, and that's because the proletariat is tired of this shit.  Turned Hegel's shit on its head.
Atheism (acrid form)   There is no reason for me to believe in that shit.  Therefore, I don't believe in it. Literally.  If you claim there is then, aside from your halitosis, the burden of proof is on you. 
Seventh Day Adventist    No shit on Saturdays.
Existentialism    This shit is absurd, but the existence of of it precedes its essence.
Agnosticism    What is this shit?  I think I smell something, but I'm not sure "what" it is.  I'm undecided about this "shit" of which you speak.
Nihilism    Shit doesn't matter and has no meaning, so who gives a shit?
Deconstruction    Shit happens in hegemonic meta-narratives.
Christian Science    Shit is only in your mind.  You can heal your own shit with the science of faith.
Moonies    Only happy shit really happens.  As with all cults, only our shit doesn't stink.
Jehovah's Witnesses    Knock, Knock, shit happens.  Would you like to live in a shitless world?  Well, the Bible tells us that in spite of this shit, there is some Good News, which is that the god that "let" all this shit happen in the first place to teach us that our way of handling shit is inferior to his, is going to make it all go away, and you can live in that shitless world, but only if you are a Jehovah's Witness.  Ain't that some shit?
Scientology    Shit happens on page 152 of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard, who is a Renaissance Man who never even had to take a shit, and even if he did it wouldn't have stunk, and whose approach to everyone else's dysfunctional shit is a state of the art religion dedicated to helping people overcome this shit, especially if they join it and yield all their worldly possessions and rights in the process of getting clear of this shit and clearing all shit out of their system, like drugs, or independent thinking processes. "We're at the forefront of clearing out the world's shit, so would you please please please please therefore at least buy some of our shit?" 
Hare Krishna    Shit happens, Rama Rama.
Hedonism    There's nothing like a good shit.
Rastafarianism    Let's smoke this shit.
Arthur Schopenhauer  This shit is evil, but there ain't shit you can do about it
Emmanuel Kant  Shit is in itself unknowable, but it's your duty to endure it.
Martin Heidegger  Man is essentially thrown into this mysterious world of shit, but should with as much authenticity as he can muster care for it and try to make it a better place.
Global Evil Elite  We do this shit all the time, but the world is our playground and we'll take a big fat shit in it if we want, and there's nothing you can do about it, because we're at the top of the hill.
Sir Isaac Newton  Everyone since Aristotle knows that shit rolls downhill, but "gravity" is the "force" that best explains why shit rolls downhill, as indicated by these mathematical proofs.
Thomas Hobbes  Originally, when the universe was created as well as before man rose above his primitive state, the powerful could always shit with impunity and and are therefore right to do so.  As with god, so with mankind's sociopolitical hierarchies.  So take your king's (or queen's) or pope's shit without question, just as if they were "god on earth".
John Locke  There is no predetermined experience of how shit smells, but when you smell it you can be sure that it is purely a feature of your own subjective experience, albeit such as is impressed upon your mind by the "secondary" qualities of the fecal matter.  The primary qualities of the objective shit has no inherent "smelly" qualities, but in itself has only a certain concentration of methane in its vapor, which can be measured independently of our subjective experiences of such using the scientific method.
Gottfried Wilhelm von Leibnitz  There could be no better way for this shit to happen. If there is shit in the best of all possible worlds, it's because god couldn't have made the world better without it.  It makes good fertilizer, and is a necessary byproduct of digestion, which couldn't have been otherwise if the universe is made up of the elements from which it has been made and there are organic, carbon-based life forms in it finding food to eat, ergo, shit happens because no one, not even god, could have improved upon the situation. In other words, god wouldn't have chosen those elements if a better configuration of elements were possible.  Stop bitching about shit.
Ninth Circle  We ritually do this shit to children and then you give us honor, money, and power in spite of this shit because you don't want to believe we do this shit and we don't too openly admit it except through proxy influences in the subverted culture and institutions that we happen to manipulate to facilitate our shit while we scapegoat others for all kinds of shit. We intentionally try and make sure our shit rolls downhill unevenly toward any children we can get into our possession. Wink wink.
FBI, CIA, NSA, et.al  We should have known about this shit, and should have done something about it by now, but will probably deny this shit, or any and all involvement in it regardless.
Alex Jones  1776 will commence again because of this shit. I want to kill those involved in this shit!  This shit is un-American!  Buy some of my good shit to help fight all that other evil shit. These fuckers are shadow banning our shit! (No shit, I tried to tell everyone about this shadow banning bullshit for at least the last four years but I guess they shadow banned all of my attempts!)
David Icke   Reptilians have a lot to do with this shit, seriously. Regardless, the power to make this shit happen is in all of us, but the overlords that makes this shit extra stinky are in charge because humanity keeps taking their shit.  Shit is only a special frequency of vibrating energy, and the shit we can perceive is limited by our five sense reality, and the Reptilian Hegemons et al know this shit better than we do, and have used that as leverage against us. And the corrupt authorities of the world, and people's failure to embrace love and light.
Jeff Rense   Look at this shit, it's happening everywhere. Can you even believe this shit? Zionists and maybe even aliens have a lot to do with this shit.  The world has turned into shit, but what can you do?  30 years ago you could have told me about this shit and I wouldn't have believed it.  Now look at it.  The headlines aggregated on my website read like a wall of shit.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann, aka "Sir"   "You are nothing but grab-asstic pieces of amphibian shit in a world of shit! Now you better start shitting me Tiffany cuff links!"
(Soren Dreier)  "Shit" is such an unspiritual way of referring to shit.  Be more positive and loving and shit might just go away.  "Shit" is probably happening to you because you create your own shit.  I'm so fucking spiritual that I can arbitrarily declare that my new age shit don't stink.  Anyway, try instead to see the beauty in a big old pile of fly-covered "fecal matter" and realize that all is one.  Namaste, kumbaya, and psychedelics mixed together in the right proportions can miraculously turn fecal matter into aurum.
(Dr. Joseph Chiappalone)  I had special experiences with aliens on ships since from when I was a kid, and that, along with other anecdotal experiences pertaining to myself which have no credibility outside of my own imagination, have given me special insight into all this shit, and I can say for a certainty (because of my involvement in all this shit in a higher dimension of it) that 95% of this shit is already annihilated, and 92% of humans (up from 91% recently), are plumb full of shit. I'm the official herald of the end of this shit, and you can take this shit or leave it.  And I've got a "Ph.D" in spiritual metaphysics. I was also married to Vulturite Reptilian for a while, but my spirit guides informed me that this is part of the greater war of essences, and all kinds of other strange shit one could easily do without, which I mix in with Gnosticism and present as special revelation.
Bishop Berkeley  If there is shit, someone smells it, even if only God smells it.
Dr. Samuel Johnson  Kicks a pile of shit and says "I refute Berkeley thus!"
The Gnostic Truth   The world was created by an evil sub-god who took an evil shit, and somehow the innocent have stepped into it, and this evil pseudo-being has no other way to prolong its doomed existence than to deceive the innocent and pilfer them of their life force.  Looks like the Marquis de Sade was not completely bonkers, and who knows the full truth of his.  Most people and their sheepherding overlords (Archons) will deny this shit and simultaneously blame it on anyone who knows about this shit, and is therefore implicated in it on an essential and metaphysical level, otherwise they'd smell it and act accordingly, but basically just pay lip service to the importance of a good septic system.  Ain't that some shit.  This is a situation known by philosophers and other thinkers throughout history as "the problem of shit".  But on a pragmatic note let's analyze this shit and figure out how to get it safely into a cosmic septic tank instead of just pretending we're not knee deep in it.  Uh oh, looks like all the plumbers are corrupt to the point that the shit in the clogged-up-toilet-industrial-complex has become the least of our problems, and this is demonstrated by the systematic way that shit is everywhere, is distributed, pervasive, and compartmentalized.  There is even a great big amount of it corruptly piling up at the plumber's offices, but the corrupt plumbers make money from this shit coming and going, so there will need to be the arrival of a Cosmic Plumber to make ALL this shit go away, and it can't come soon enough, so expect some ELE-level shit to hit the World Fan right soon.
   In the meantime a lot of this shit started flying his way due to the aggressive nature of clandestine organized rackets that cause (weaponized) shit to roll differentially downhill through complicit lackeys and turnkeys who think they're going to get away with this shitty and transparent extortion racket.  He's rightly sick of their shit, but it seems like most people are oblivious to its odor (complicit as shit).  Therefore, this evil shit has alienated him from "humanity", which treats shit like gold and gold like shit.  So therefore he's had to integrate this unfortunate fact into his philosophical work which now must include the metaphysics of shit, or should I say "metashit", even though they're probably shadow banning his information through controlled internet topologies through which they pump weaponized troll shit whilst fueling complaints of "fake shit" outside of their mainstream news shit-distribution-trough that even half the organic robotoids out here can smell isn't worth eating.  Hell, they can even use psychotronics to make you take a shit. That's because MK-ULTRA (by any name) is alive and well, and anyone who says otherwise probably gets paid to call truth bullshit, i.e. the inventors of the bullshit term "conspiracy theory" are the only ones whose bullshit is to be accepted as patent, self-evident shiny gold of truth.  This comes from the wonderful shitheads who came up with MK-ULTRA and flushed most of the evidence of their evil shit project down the toilet, perhaps just to see if anyone would give a shit (most don't).
   This is probably part of the reason people seem all shitty, no matter where they are in the bullshit political or religious spectrum, because they are being constantly programmed to accept, participate in, look the other way, or otherwise rationalize even the smell of shit that is really there, sometimes while half buried in it.  They even throw it at one another on queue for the stupidest of reasons dictated by the fake-stream shit media and culture which is caked all over the public mind. You can often see the shitbots going around fake coughing like their lungs are full of shit, or trying to suck out a piece of your aura by yawning like they're shooting a small melon out of their mouth in your general direction, often voiced loudly for emphasis, so you might get to see a glimpse of their e. coli-infested inner oral anatomy. They can often be seen revving the engines of their way obsolete vehicles so that it sounds like they're taking a loud shit, at any hour of the day or night in any neighborhood, because they don't just drive like shit, they sound that way.  They often have their cell phones attached to their heads, and their heads up their "fifth point of contact", so no wonder they can't sit down still without squirming around and twirling their foot like they might need to take a shit, or fling their arms around and make big bold gestures as if they are describing the size of the biggest pile of shit anyone has ever seen or smelled, which is usually falling out of their yawning mouth-abysses.  There is even such a thing as "shit humor" partly because of this.  But even they're somewhat sick of this shit, however, and sometimes can be found revolting against the Archons for shitting on them too much, but are usually just revolting because of failing to revolt for the most part... Visions of metaphysical human centipedes of corruption seem to make sense in a world populated by such coproidal termites because this shit has gone too far and it cannot be remedied except by flushing the whole damned world of it into the void. Void the old cosmic colon, one might say. Every other way of explaining this shit is self-contradictory, although to the Nous the stench is already self-evident.
Richard Pryor   Famous for shit humor. Made shit funny.  Funny shit.
Lord Shiva   "When the shit piles up too high, that's when I'm going to come in there and destroy all of that shit."
Dog  "Here's a nice place to shit".